There are many principles that, if practiced, can help you build a solid marital foundation. Here are three key principles:
"Commitment" is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasizes individual rights, personal freedom and mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped.
But I don't think you can have it both ways. You can't build a divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your personal rights. It’s not just ‘I’ anymore, it’s ‘we’. That doesn't mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the relationship supersedes your individual rights.
Commitment means putting your spouse's needs above your own. Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. I've found that when I focus only on my needs and forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better off I'd be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel satisfied when I focus on my wife's needs and how I can creatively meet them.
Someone once said, "Communication is to love as blood is to the body." Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies.
The kind of communication I'm talking about isn't just exchanging information; it's sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life.
But it's not easy since men and women are different in this area. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives.
Like conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill — and it's often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are conversation inducers that keep love alive.
We live in an instant world — fast foods, cash machines, computer access to information, direct dial communication all over the world.
The problem is we can't heat up a marriage in the microwave. Relationships just don't work that way. Marriage, especially takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means learning patience.
When you put two people — any two — in the same house, you're going to have irritations and annoyances. My wife doesn't always respond like I wish she would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes and remember her birthday. You'd think that after 30 years of marriage, she would have given up on me. In the meantime I'm considering humoring her a little. Recently I even put my underwear on the floor next to the laundry hamper. I wonder how she's doing with patience.
Beyond the day-to-day quirks and bad habits you must accept, patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that's satisfying to both of you. A lot of people don't have the patience to wait around for things to evolve. But if you're willing to sit tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic.
Adapted from
Foundations of a Lifelong Marriageby Louis McBurney, MD
. Reprinted with permission from Focus on the Family Singapore
www.family.org.sg.
For more insights into marriage, check out Focus on the Family’s 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love by Gary and Barbara Rosberg.
Focus on the Family Singapore is a local charity dedicated to helping families thrive. We aim to support every family with affordable and quality family life education through talks, workshops, seminars and events. This is supplemented by well-researched family life resources and content placement in the mass media, reaching over one million people each year.