Q: I was in a relationship with a girl for 1.8 years. She is 6 years younger than me. She completed her Masters in Arts, and I am an Assistant Manager with an auto ancillary unit, having completed my studies in engineering. Her parents are not ready for our relationship just because of caste barriers. But my family is ready to accept her.
Recently, my girlfriend told her mother everything about us. Her mother has high blood pressure and as a result, was admitted into the hospital. My girlfriend left me after this.
We broke up last year because of this reason but my girlfriend contacted me and now we are together again. Her sister, who is 2 years older than her, had done the same thing. She got married with a guy of my caste without informing her parents. We were supposed to register our marriage in November '09. We would sometimes engage in oral sex. I am very embarrassed now. I do not know what to do now. I was known to her friends, and she was known to my friends. I had a lot of dreams about our future, which are in vain now. I am 32 years old and she is 26. My father is a businessman in the construction field, my mother is a housewife and my younger sister is an advocate. I am from Agartala, the capital of a tiny state in India. She is also from the same place. But I am 2000 km away because of my job. Please suggest what I should do now. I can't live without her. My parents are not willing to approach her parents because of egoism.
I think the best way is for me to leave this world. I don't know if you love someone truly you have to pay your life for it. I am very depressed now.
We used to talk at least 2 hours everyday. Now she doesn't even pick up my calls. Please advise.
Rajib Dey
A: I sense that you love your girlfriend very much and it must be difficult for you to be away from her.However to love someone truly does not mean you have to leave the world or pay your life. You have shown that you truly want to be committed to her and marry her, but there are obstacles in your way at this time. This is also a difficult period for your girlfriend who is very concerned about her mother’s health. You could give her your moral support by allowing some physical, emotional and psychological space, who knows, she may later come to realize your compassion and understanding. It might also change her family’s view of you.
I wonder if it is possible for you to get someone from your girlfriend’s family to help mediate and bring about a clearer understanding of the love that both of you have for each other?
You can also write a letter about your goals and dreams in wanting to start a family with her and share it with your girlfriend. Being as honest and open as you can is a good start to heal relationships. Perhaps you can try to email her or start a journal to pen down your thoughts and feelings since you cannot meet her or talk to her over the phone.
Some healthy distraction for you for this period is very important, like going out with your male friends for dinner or finding a hobby that you like and do it weekly.
Your girlfriend and her family will be able to "feel" a different you – a more joyful and peaceful Rajib.
Take care.
Regards,
Veronica
Senior Counsellor
St Andrew’s Lifestreams
Veronica Nathan is a Senior Counsellor at St Andrew's Lifestreams. She holds a Masters on Guidance and Counselling from James Cook University, a BA in Communication and a Diploma in Counselling Psychology. Veronica has over 8 years of experience in counselling couples, families and youths during her stint at the Family Service Centres. Much of her work was and still is with married couples, conducting Marriage Preparation & Enrichment Workshops. She had also counselled mandated cases from the Family Court and Syariah Court and was also involved in Teenage Pregnancy counselling for over a year. She has conducted workshops for students, parents, teachers and the public. On 14 Nov 2007, Veronica piloted Relationship Online Counselling (R.O.C) with topics on marital issues featured in the TODAY Papers and had in the past shared her views on marriage and relationship issues in Berita Harian, The Straits Times, New Paper, Channels 5, 8, Channel News Asia and Radio938Live. Veronica is also accredited to conduct DISC and TJTA.
