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Sep
3
Written by:
Marriage Central
Thursday, September 03, 2009 3:39 PM
Q: I was in a relationship with a girl for 1.8 years. She is 6 years younger than me. She completed her Masters in Arts, and I am an Assistant Manager with an auto ancillary unit, having completed my studies in engineering. Her parents are not ready for our relationship just because of caste barriers. But my family is ready to accept her.
Recently, my girlfriend told her mother everything about us. Her mother has high blood pressure and as a result, was admitted into the hospital. My girlfriend left me after this.
We broke up last year because of this reason but my girlfriend contacted me and now we are together again. Her sister, who is 2 years older than her, had done the same thing. She got married with a guy of my caste without informing her parents. We were supposed to register our marriage in November '09. We would sometimes engage in oral sex. I am very embarrassed now. I do not know what to do now. I was known to her friends, and she was known to my friends. I had a lot of dreams about our future, which are in vain now. I am 32 years old and she is 26. My father is a businessman in the construction field, my mother is a housewife and my younger sister is an advocate. I am from Agartala, the capital of a tiny state in India. She is also from the same place. But I am 2000 km away because of my job. Please suggest what I should do now. I can't live without her. My parents are not willing to approach her parents because of egoism.
I think the best way is for me to leave this world. I don't know if you love someone truly you have to pay your life for it. I am very depressed now.
We used to talk at least 2 hours everyday. Now she doesn't even pick up my calls. Please advise.
Rajib Dey
A: I sense that you love your girlfriend very much and it must be difficult for you to be away from her.However to love someone truly does not mean you have to leave the world or pay your life. You have shown that you truly want to be committed to her and marry her, but there are obstacles in your way at this time. This is also a difficult period for your girlfriend who is very concerned about her mother’s health. You could give her your moral support by allowing some physical, emotional and psychological space, who knows, she may later come to realize your compassion and understanding. It might also change her family’s view of you.
I wonder if it is possible for you to get someone from your girlfriend’s family to help mediate and bring about a clearer understanding of the love that both of you have for each other?
You can also write a letter about your goals and dreams in wanting to start a family with her and share it with your girlfriend. Being as honest and open as you can is a good start to heal relationships. Perhaps you can try to email her or start a journal to pen down your thoughts and feelings since you cannot meet her or talk to her over the phone.
Some healthy distraction for you for this period is very important, like going out with your male friends for dinner or finding a hobby that you like and do it weekly.
Your girlfriend and her family will be able to "feel" a different you – a more joyful and peaceful Rajib.
Take care.
Regards,
Veronica
Senior Counsellor
St Andrew’s Lifestreams
Veronica Nathan is a Senior Counsellor at St Andrew's Lifestreams. She holds a Masters on Guidance and Counselling from James Cook University, a BA in Communication and a Diploma in Counselling Psychology. Veronica has over 8 years of experience in counselling couples, families and youths during her stint at the Family Service Centres. Much of her work was and still is with married couples, conducting Marriage Preparation & Enrichment Workshops. She had also counselled mandated cases from the Family Court and Syariah Court and was also involved in Teenage Pregnancy counselling for over a year. She has conducted workshops for students, parents, teachers and the public. On 14 Nov 2007, Veronica piloted Relationship Online Counselling (R.O.C) with topics on marital issues featured in the TODAY Papers and had in the past shared her views on marriage and relationship issues in Berita Harian, The Straits Times, New Paper, Channels 5, 8, Channel News Asia and Radio938Live. Veronica is also accredited to conduct DISC and TJTA.
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4 comment(s) so far...
Re: Request for advice
I am 28 years old and have been married for 5 years. I have no children yet and staying with my mum since my marriage.
My husband is a stiff man, hardly show his love to me but we married base on love. He prefer to spend time with his friends.
After 1st year of my married, my husband got involve with drug activities and my family start to against our marriage. what I should do? I still would like to continue this marriage. I would like to have children but my husband has no sex mood.
By nur on
Friday, November 13, 2009 8:11 PM
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Re: Request for advice
hi
By sanjay on
Monday, October 18, 2010 1:10 AM
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Re: Request for advice
My friend, at the end of the day we all have choices to make. This includes your parents(on both sides). It looks like yours have come around slightly. The issue here is not your love for each other. Let me ask you this. If you were all of the same caste, this would not be an issue, would it? You may have already been married by now. So you see the issue of both of you wanting to be together is not the problem.
The problem lies with the both of you having to please other people. Namely your parents. Their happiness, acceptance of you both together and their unacceptable ideal that one human being is better than another in a system devised thousands of years ago by rich individuals at the time, rather than to have your happiness and lead your lives together. So let me give you a brief story to show you what love really is.
My sister's friend from school was a Muslim and she fell in love with a guy who is Hindu. Well, log story short and you guessed it, parental objections to marriage. But, and this was to my surprise because I knew this girl as a real timid & quiet person, she decided to go with her heart. That was not a easy decision because the Muslim law states that her parents & all family must treat her as a outcast with no future contact, EVER! Yet this girl did what she wanted and not what someone else wanted. I'm sure you can see that this story is worse because it is a religious matter and parental ties are severed unlike your situation which does not call for this action.
To skip ahead to several years, they now have never been happier. 2 kids and guess what, the parents even asked, in secret via their friends, to get photos of the grand kids. They found out about it from those friends. So what I'm getting to, with regards to your request here, is that you both need to stand your ground & position against your parents.
Your parents must have made mistake after mistake in their lives. No one is perfect. Of course they will never tell you or admit it. They should realize they should lead their lives and not another peoples. Even if they are their children's. So what you and your girl need to do is to sit down, ask yourselves, Will You Take Your Lives & Choices Into Your Own Hands as Individuals Wanting To Be Together OR follow your parents, lead miserable lives apart, just to please both your parents who will grow old and die one day leaving you two stay single, alone and miserable apart FOREVER!
End of the day, people should make decisions for themselves. Their life & happiness. Otherwise ask yourselves...why were you born? Surely to live life to the fullest and according to your wishes and desires...not someone telling you how to lead life, who to love, who to marry Or not to marry and surely you agree that your cry for advice tells you that is what you want.
All the best in your plans...your lives.
By Jeff on
Friday, March 25, 2011 11:05 PM
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Re: Request for advice
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By runescape gold on
Tuesday, November 15, 2011 10:17 AM
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* All advice given are based on the information provided by readers. Marriage Central recommends that professional counselling be sought if problems persist.
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