There is a magnet on my fridge that has the head of a giraffe and its long neck sticking out and beside it are these words - “Don’t try to understand me, just love me.” I used to look at it and wonder how anyone could love someone else without really understanding that person. However, the more I read these words, the more it began to make greater sense for me. On some level I can now understand how sometimes it may not be possible to fully understand someone but love that person regardless. I guess my relationship with my husband of thirteen years has somewhat convinced me of this. Let me share a story with you.

I have a “thing” for snails. I love that snails carry their homes on their backs and think that this attachment to their abode is one of Mother Nature’s greatest creations. When I see snails and their homes crushed by the weight of humans or bicycles, it leaves me feeling devastated. Thus, I have taken it as my personal endeavour to try and save as many snails as I can from being crushed! What I do is that if I see any snails on the cement pavement, I would pick it up and leave it on the other side of the grass patch (which I assume was where the snail was heading) so that it stays clear of the walking pathways. One day, earlier in our marriage, my husband and I went for a walk after a brief rainfall and as we walked, we saw many snails coming out from the grass patches onto the pavement. In my zeal to try and “save” them, I started to pick them up and placed them on the other side of the grass patches. My husband in his puzzlement asked me what I was doing and I shared with him my “philosophy of saving as many snails as possible”. He listened quietly and did not say anything and we continued with our walk after my task was done. A few days later, we went out for a walk again and this was again after a rainfall. The same scenario played out as we saw snails coming out of the green patches but before I could bend down to pick up the snails, my husband beat me to it! He started to pick up the snails and place them away from possible danger. I stood there looking at him with surprise and much admiration as he went through the task of placing the snails at a safer place. Till today, I am not sure if my husband “bought” into my philosophy of saving as many snails as possible but what I am sure is that his gesture was done out of love for me and possibly for the snails too! I am not sure if he really understood my philosophy but he did what he did because he loves me. After this act of love, the words on the fridge magnet began to make sense to me.

            What I learnt from that episode was that sometimes some of the things that we do or do not do may not make good sense or logic to our partners. However, as long as it does not hurt either party emotionally, physically or psychologically, I think it’s alright. 

            As I am reminded of the snail incident, it also reminds me of what John Gottman says in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, about letting our partner influence us. He did a study which showed that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those where the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist power sharing and decision-making with her. Gottman also highlights that the wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds of their marriage to thrive. He further suggests that when a husband accepts his wife’s influence, his open attitude also heightens the positive in his relationship by strengthening his friendship with his wife. I personally think that this act of accepting influence should be a mutual one and not exclusive to husbands in accepting to be influenced by their wives. I am also reminded by what Jon Van Epp mentions in his book “How to Avoid Marring a Jerk” that an important question that all individuals in a marriage should ask is “Do I find that I have become a better person by being with my partner than I would have been without my partner?” In many marriages, spouses wish to change their other half so that the other person fits into their picture perfect idea of marital bliss. How many of us think about what is it that we can learn from our spouse that would help to enhance ourselves or the relationship? Quite often, we may focus on the differences that pull us apart rather than the similarities we have or the differences that can be turned into strengths in the relationship.