Q: Even though I have married my girlfriend, I sometimes still feel like she is from Venus and I am from Mars. Could you advise how I can better understand what she is thinking or really implying?
Marvin
A: It is important to understand that men and women are made differently even though we all inhabit the same earth. That said it is simply an ideal to have a spouse who can understand all your unspoken thoughts and emotions – note the keyword “unspoken”.
Start by confessing to her that you do not quite get what she is implying. Make the effort to communicate more and you will find yourselves making connections that will help you grow in your understanding of each other. Speaking your unspoken thoughts will also help you to become your spouse’s most intimate companion – able to know each other’s darkest secrets and fears while still loving each other.
To strengthen your marital relationship, you may also like to attend marriage enrichment programmes organised by various social service agencies. Topics include effective communication between spouses, financial planning, how to romance your spouse, sexual intimacy and much more. You can log on to marriagecentral.sg for further details.
Question is answered by TOUCH Family Services’ counsellors and marriage preparation course instructors. Name of individual had been changed for privacy.
Q: I have been married about half a year but I feel like a married ‘single lady’ as my husband’s work keeps him very busy. He evens brings it home and works at it till 1 or 2 am. Our weekends are mostly spent at home because he is too exhausted to go out. Can you advice what I should do? We have been quarrelling quite frequently about this and I don’t want our relationship to suffer any further.
Cathy
A: You have my sympathies. There are some guys who see marriage as a ‘project done’ thing and thus regress to a preoccupation with their work. Bear in mind too that a man’s career is a sign of his ability and being good at it fulfils one of his other needs. He may also feel that being a breadwinner for the family is the best way to show his love and commitment to the family.
In such cases, I would advise you to do something to get his attention. If necessary, wear a placard saying “I am an endangered species in need of preservation" as you give him his coffee in the morning or hot towel when he is working late. Or lay stark naked next to him during the weekend. Once you have his attention, talk with him to find the reason for his preoccupation. Exercise patience as you work towards a solution.
Another possible reason I can think of is that your husband may be facing a 'work or be fired' situation. It is still necessary for both of you to communicate and for you to let him know how neglected you feel. However, do not be surprised if he confesses that he never realised that. Discuss the situation through and weigh the pros and cons – is a job change a viable solution? Or if there is an end to all his work in sight, would you agree to stick it out with him? Be sure you are talking it through and not trying to take him on a guilt trip – be understanding of his needs too.
Question is answered by TOUCH Family Services’ counsellors and marriage preparation course instructors. Name of individual had been changed for privacy.
