She’s independent, he’s conventional
They’ve made it work for: 10 years
Riwa Akiyama, 30s,
ORGANISATION CONSULTANT
Well-travelled and educated, Riwa values her independence when it comes to making important decisions on finances, where to live and even when to visit her family. Marriage certainly changed all that. The biggest has to be her move to Singapore six years ago.
“My husband’s work then was based out of Singapore and he really enjoyed it. But I had a job offer in New York and it was difficult for me to give it up,” she says.
“Still, it was clear we wanted to stay together and I wanted my husband to pursue work that he truly enjoyed. He has always supported me to do the same too.”
“It seemed like a sacrifice at that time to give up my independent ways,” she adds. “But I gained something I couldn’t have earned by myself – a trusting and loving relationship, and a deep sense of belonging and acceptance.”
Nationalities aside, the mother of an 18-month-old girl admits that she and her husband are completely different individuals. “He would place his family first, while I devote more time and energy to my close friends,” she says.
Khoo Chen Hsung, 30s,
EQUITIES ANALYST
Chen Hsung thinks they are still learning to appreciate each other’s cultural backgrounds without letting it get in the way of supporting their choices. “Marriage is and will always be an ongoing learning process,” he says.
“Our challenges in the early days of marriage arose from the different expectations of the roles we play in the family. I had conventional expectations of what a wife should be. Ironically, they clashed with her sense of independence, which was the very quality I admired when we were dating!”
What works for the couple is their willingness to give in to each other. “Before getting married, we had planned to pursue our graduate degrees in America,” relates Chen Hsung.” After the wedding, I didn’t want her to be studying in a different city from me.”
To shorten the time the couple spent apart, Riwa delayed pursuing her degree till Chen Hsung was done with his MBA. Then, she compressed her two-year programme into a year. “We stayed apart for that year till she completed her degree,” says Chen Hsung. “We were so glad when we reunited in the same city again.”
He’s Malay, she’s Chinese
They’ve made it work for: 4 years
Ridwan Dollah, 40,
CONSULTANT
Boy meets girl. They fall in love and get married. Predictable, right? Except that the boy is a Malay Muslim and the girl is Chinese. In fact, Ridwan wasn’t sure if it would work out at first.
“My family is strict, traditional and religious, so I was not sure if they would accept a non-Muslim,” he says. “When we went out on dates, I was paranoid about bumping into my relatives.” As it turned out, both parties’ parents gave their blessings.
These days, Ridwan’s challenges are of different kind: mastering Hokkien and using the chopsticks. “I’m adaptable and I learn fast. Besides, most of her relatives speak English, so I’m off the hook!” says the father-to-be, who is expecting his first child in May.
“We want to expose our child to both cultures,” he says. “She’ll be able to celebrate two festivals, wear different outfits and enjoy different cuisines. I’m looking forward to her collecting red packets, so I can recoup some of my losses!” he laughs.
Jessica Ang, 37,
ART DIRECTOR
When they were dating, Jessica told herself to just go with the flow and be happy. Eight years into their relationship, things started to get serious. “We had to face the big issues such as marriage, conversion and seeking approval from our parents,” she recalls.
Today, language is Jessica’s biggest hurdle. Despite taking a Malay language course before the wedding, she admits she still can’t string a sentence together. Unfazed by the language barrier, Jessica has endeared herself to Ridwan’s large family and Muslim traditions. “Compared to Chinese New Year, Hari Raya Puasa is a big affair,” she says. ‘We typically visit at least 10 households in half a day!”
Initially, Jessica wasn’t used to the salam or the Muslim handshake, which involves clasping your elders’ hands in yours.” I don’t hug my parents but now, I am expected to come into close contact with many people.” She says.
Jessica also had to make some wardrobe adjustments. “I make sure I dress modestly when I am with Ridwan’s family. I see it as a form of respect to them and to him too.”
Extracted from Real Love Works (April - June 2011).
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