Q: We have been married for more than 3 years now. But we have been having constant arguments, which are caused by my mother. My wife does not like my mother as she did something in the past, which my wife has yet to forget. In addition, my wife is not the forgiving type. I usually tend to counter this problem by doing the same to her parents. I know this is not right. But I don't know what else to do. We tried talking. But it does not seem to work. We just had 2 baby boys and I want this marriage to work out. What can be done?
A: It must be very painful for you to experience the constant conflicts between your mother and wife. In my past years of counseling couples, tension between a wife and mother-in-law results when both of them start “competing” for the affection of the same man and thus causes problems in marriage. To reduce the tension, here are some steps you may want to try:
Your role as husband
· Marital problems start when the wife is not seen as the “first woman in the man’s life.” Most of the time, it is not what your mother says that triggers your wife’s anger but rather, how you respond to the situation. Do you back your wife up when she has an argument with your mother or do you unknowingly give your wife the impression that your mother is always right?
· A rule of thumb when dealing with mother and wife conflicts is that you deal with your mother or family while your wife deal with hers. Reason being families can easily forgive their own family members, not an “outsider” (as perceived by some). So, if your wife is not happy with your mother, encourage her to talk to you first and discourage her from confronting your mother without your presence.
Setting Boundaries
· Making a list of “non-negotiable” boundaries can also help all of you at home to reduce tension. Set aside a time with your wife and talk about the various boundaries she hopes that her mother-in-law will follow such as house rules, grand-parenting roles, leisure, and weekend visits, etc
Assertive Communication
· Do not shy away from taking the lead to talk to your mother about specific behaviors that is causing your wife to be unhappy. Let her know that while you do not require that she love your wife as you do, it would mean a lot to you if she respects both your boundaries. It is vital that you find the right timing, right venue (free from distraction) to talk to her and observe your choice of words, body language, and one. It is important that you do not give her the impression that you are protecting your wife and not respecting her as a mother.
Exploring Triggering Words
· Harsh words stir up anger and a soft answer turns away wrath. You may want to check with your mother and wife about what word and tone will trigger them to get angry with each other. With the information given, you may want to highlight it to your mother and wife separately and how you put this across is important. Be gentle and loving in your approach, acknowledge the differences without criticizing and end it by telling them that the best gift they can give to your two sons is to let them experience the strong bonding of a happy family and also to each other the gift of a peaceful home.
Mrs Theresa Bung is a senior therapist at Family Life Society (FLS). She is a member of the Singapore Association of Counsellors, an Associate Member of the Association for Marital and Family Therapy (Singapore) and a member of the Satir Centre (Singapore). Theresa provides counselling to schools and trains and provides clinical supervision to FLS' para-counsellors and students from tertiary institutions. Theresa is a certified administrator of the “PREPARE/ENRICH program”, a customized couple assessment which assists couples who are preparing for marriage. Theresa is a much sought after speaker in family, marital and relationship issues.
