Having the opportunity to work with many troubled couples, I am convinced by their stories that they like so many others, started out eager to commit their lives fully to their spouse and divorce was never on their to-do list. Research has shown that all couples experience some form of difficulties in the course of their marriage, and even the most happily-married couple may go off track sometimes. It is during these difficult times when the relationship is tested then do we realise the kind of commitment we have for our spouse.
Wong Lai Cheung, a respected Asian marriage therapist, notes that there are three common types of commitment:
1) Commitment with conditions
This type of commitment usually stresses the importance of personal fulfillment in the marriage. Couples who have strong belief in this type of commitment tend to stick together when they are happy with each other, when they get along well, when they are not troubled by differences and disagreements, when happiness outweighs unhappiness As long as their needs are met, they are willing to commit to their partner. This form of commitment may motivate the couple to seek greater fulfillment by putting effort into improving the relationship. The downside is that their sense of commitment is easily affected by their level of satisfaction. Couples with such a belief may give up too prematurely, even if the challenges faced are temporary.
2) Commitment due to external pressure and responsibilities
This is perhaps one of the most common reasons that keep many distressed couples from dissolving their marriage despite the pain they are experiencing day after day. The concern about the impact of their divorce on young children and the inability to be independent compel many couples to stay in the marriage until the time is right for them to move on and move out. Couples who choose to stay in such marriages usually lack motivation to work on the relationship, and more often than not, the relationship will go further downhill the longer they stay together. Many marriages end at the point when the children are old enough to look after themselves or they are no longer financially dependent on the spouse. Some couples in such circumstances may choose not to end the marriage in order to avoid embarrassment; however, they will keep a distance from their spouse for as long as they can.
3) Commitment-no-matter-what
This type of commitment usually involves one’s strong moral belief that commitment is a life-long promise that has to be kept regardless ofpersonal fulfillment. Most couples with such belief tend to be more motivated to make things better in the marriage and they are more able to work through even the roughest patch. Most of us begin our marriage with this type of commitment. However, when we are confronted with a painful or difficult situation in our marriage, we may begin to have doubts. As we become more and more individualistic as a society, fewer couples have the conviction to uphold this kind of commitment.
Many couples who stick together and work through troubled times find it a rewarding experience at the end as they find themselves connecting with each other in a deeper and more meaningful way. A strong sense of commitment is what it takes to carry couples through the difficult times. I have seen this many times in my work that it is often the couple with the stronger sense of commitment to each other and their marriage that walk away with a lifelong relationship with the one they love.
So, which type of commitment do you have for your partner?
Jonathan Siew is currently a Senior Counsellor at Care Corner Counselling Centre. He graduated from the University of Manitoba (Canada) with a major in psychology and subsequently completed his post-graduate trained in counselling and pscychotherapy from Edith Cowan University and NUS. Prior to joining Care Corner in 2003, he was a Counsellor at Yishun Family Service Centre. He has many years' experience working with couples struggling with distressing marriage. Being married for 9 years with a child, he fully understands the struggles that today's couples have to cope with.
